Hearts A Mess

Taeyeon just wants Tiffany to commit. She wants something simple, solid, sensible. She wants the kind of comfort and security that comes with a stable, strong relationship – the kind where she can say without a doubt that they are in a relationship, and she has a long-term girlfriend; the kind where she can say anything, actually, unlike whatever they have now that’s being treated like some deathly secret.

And Tiffany is usually in a hurry. In the morning it’s always the same, the scramble for clothes, the rushed touch-up in the mirror using the make-up she carries in her purse, maybe two mouthfuls of a cup of coffee but that’s as much as she can get before it’s a quick kiss on the cheek and then Tiffany will be out the door and Taeyeon will have nothing to do. The only thing left is to finish her breakfast and go to work, thinking about Tiffany without knowing when she’ll see her again.

She doesn’t ever feel like she’ll never see Tiffany again at all, like there’s nothing at all after the night is over, she just has no confirmation or estimate of the duration of time between that goodbye kiss and the hello kiss. She doesn’t know if she’ll get an ‘I missed you’ kiss. Maybe she can imagine it’s like that.

Every day she tells Tiffany to stay for breakfast, to leave some clothes here so she can have a shower and freshen up before she leaves, even just leave a toothbrush. But that always gets shaken off as if it’s no big deal and Taeyeon always lets it go like she feels the same way about it. She pretends to be okay with something so casual it’s hardly noticeable and no one knows. She takes what she can get – and somehow this makes her feel guilty.

Today she watches. It’s still early, barely dawn outside, and she lies beside Tiffany and watches her sleep. She examines the lines of Tiffany’s face with the awareness that shortly Tiffany will be leaving. She can see it in her mind’s eye, the hurried movements and the goodbye.

Taeyeon could write a book on goodbyes.

Instead, she makes coffee and checks the time, counting the minutes until Tiffany will predictably begin her routine.

She sips her coffee in the quiet and restful early morning hours.

She waits for Tiffany.