A/N: challenge from askfm again
They say love is blind, I say it blinds you. It’s a vicious, controlling force that takes you, entirely capable of its own plotting no matter what you have planned. I knew this the moment I met Tiffany.
There are some things that cannot be understood by humans. No matter how hard we all try to find answers, there’s always another question that goes along bathed in silence. For me, one of those questions was love. I didn’t know what it was, how it happened, if it was even real. I had my doubts. The lack of answers made me more inclined to dislike it than to explore it.
Similarly, I didn’t understand Tiffany; her attitude, her feelings, her smile. She was made of something I didn’t know, and I was left with questions that towered high above me, doomed to go unanswered. That scared me, just like love scared me, just like Tiffany scared me at first because I could not understand.
She was better with fear, or so I thought when I initially got to know her. She had more of a habit of hiding fear and conquering it slowly, rather than letting it make a mark on her and push her over. I was still learning how to do that. Clearly her differing mind-set was what made it easier for her to make the first move towards me while I was still hovering in the distance trying not to show my confusion.
I wanted to take it so slow there was barely any movement, but she wasn’t having any of that. She didn’t push me over the cliff right away but every day she tugged me closer to it and eventually I was almost willing to jump over the edge myself because I was crazy with love.
Sweet words spilled from my mouth whenever I was trying to say the dreaded word. I gave her everything but my greatest fear and she held me at night when I trembled from the transformation that took me. It wasn’t what I wanted, I didn’t want to feel love when I knew it still had no answers but it sunk its claws deeply into the stuttering beat of my heart and blurred the questions in my mind.
The way she said my name was better to me than when she said the dreaded word. I didn’t need any other word. I knew what she thought about me and felt for me from the way my name left her lips. ‘Taeyeon’ never sounded so warm and alive before Tiffany whispered it to me through the darkness.
In many ways I despised how easily she felt love and lived with it. I couldn’t cope with its twists and its grip, while she was so at home with the steps of its dance.
I hate being beaten by something I don’t understand. At least if I lose a challenge, I can find out why and fix what’s wrong with me and try again. With love, there’s none of that. It just is. It ruins me without reason. It terrifies me.
And I wouldn’t let it blind me anymore with its blankness, the lack of answers, the wall of questions, and the smothering feelings.
I got it off my back, ripped its sharpness from my heart, and threw it over the cliff it was trying to push me from. I left Tiffany because I knew she was too far in the embrace of love to be freed from it, and I count it as a victory because I must.
I won. Love tried to take me, and I won against it.
But when you win against love, you win something that can’t be shaken off. Solitude. It now rests on my shoulders where Tiffany’s hands used to warm me.
In the end, the winner stands alone.