Ask

A/N: Because of the challenges I got in askfm. Maybe not quite what you’re expecting…

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You’re my favourite mistake. Did you know that? Of course you didn’t. You’ll never know how it was supposed to go and how I messed it up, and how much I love it.

Sometimes I think of telling you, but that would be so boring. Too low-key, not enough flair. I think if you were to find out about my mistake, it should be in a big way. Huge. Something you’ll never, ever forget.

I think about that day a lot – during the times when I can’t watch you, when I’m at work. I think back to the day when it was supposed to happen; the thing that I didn’t do, which made you my first mistake. I haven’t made any mistakes since you, because I haven’t even tried. I don’t need to, not when I have you.

And I definitely have you.

“Tiffany? Is everything alright?”

It’s just a co-worker. I don’t even know her name. She really doesn’t matter, and I don’t know why she’s talking to me. No one talks to me. They know it’s not a good idea.

“I’m fine.” It’s my usual answer. Hopefully she’ll go away. I’m at work, sitting at my desk in my cubicle that’s more of a template than my own space. Other people put up pictures, drawings, posters, but I don’t need any of that. My cubicle is simple, grey, and blank, because that’s just how I like it, and just how I need it. I have everything in my head. I have you in my thoughts wherever I am.

Only three more hours until I can see you again. I can’t wait. It’s a Wednesday so you’ll leave work early because your boss doesn’t need you for the last part of the day. You’re going to take a sketchpad and some supplies down to the river and just sit there in the evening light, creating. You always look so beautiful when you do that, your hair falling enough to cover your face slightly as you lose yourself in another world. It’s okay to do that. I know you feel guilty sometimes because your parents always told you it was a waste of time, but it’s okay. You can go into that other world for a while, and I’ll watch over you.

I never thought of my mistake as a bad mistake. I shouldn’t have made the mistake, but I’m glad I did, because otherwise you wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t have you. But really, it would have been better if I didn’t deviate from my pattern, fall out of my habit, because now look what you’ve done to me. I love you so much. Do you even know? Maybe you feel it sometimes, the essence of being loved.

Finally it’s time. I don’t even know how it happened so fast, but I’m excited. Nothing else appears to me in the world; it’s all a seamless foggy shape around me as I go towards you. I hope you’ll be on time today. I wonder if you’re looking forward to going to the river.

I know your name is Taeyeon. That was easy to find. It’s a good name, but I feel like I don’t even need it. I connect to you on another level, past the use of names, past the use of words. We’re something else altogether. I’m sure you feel it too. Especially after all you’ve done, pulling me in like this, after that very first moment when the sight of you made me slow to a stop. That instant was what made us. I’m sure you know.

Ah, there you are. Perfect, as usual. Beautiful inside and out. You have a kind soul, I can see it. That’s why I didn’t do it. That mistake I made, it’s your fault. You’re just too beautiful.

I want you to know about my mistake. I’m sure it will make you happy. You’ll be pleased that I made a mistake like that; of course you would, because you’re a beautiful and kind person. You should be happy that I didn’t do what I intended and fell in love with you instead.

If you saw me, you’d know. Eventually. Or maybe instantly, as soon as our eyes meet, you’ll be able to see in me what I can never show. And you’ll know that I made that mistake and it’s good thing but it’s so bad. It hurts sometimes that I made that mistake, but it’s better that I did.

You can never see me. I’ll make sure of that. This is better. I just love you too much. You would love my mistake but would you love me? I can’t cope with anything else from you. I need you to love me, just like this.

If I show you my face, you’ll have to marry me…

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5 thoughts on “Ask

  1. Your writing is really unique and beautiful. I always reread your stories multiple times. They hold a lot of emotion and you’re the only taeny author who can make me really feel the story, if that makes sense? Anyway, I hope to write as well as you one day! Thank you.

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